The Road to Mazama, Washington

After uprooting my life in Chicago, moving back to Los Angeles to be closer to family & friends and to be given the opportunity to 'do it differently,'  I am dumbfounded and awestruck at the current turn of events in my life.

I moved here and working with a local hospitality recruiter, was given a variety of opportunities to work at some fantastically chef-driven restaurants, with well known owners.  Nothing appealed to me.  I know I could go back to being a General Manager but I just didn't care.  It didn't scare me.  It's something I know that I could do.  "Egh," I said to my friend Ellen.  "Oh my God, do you know who they are!!??" she exclaimed back.  "Yeah," I would say feeling sick to my stomach, "I just don't want to."

One day last week I went on a long, luxurious walk and listened to Wayne Dyer's '9 Principles of Manifestation.'  On this walk, I get an e-mail from my aunt:

"Why the move back to LA?  Want to spend the summer here in the middle of nowhere?  We have a full time baking position in a very busy bakery..."

I laughed with joy and just thought, "OF COURSE."  My aunt has always said she'd open a bakery with me if I wanted to move out to Nowhere, Colorado when she lived there but I always had a job, rent, plans... Now that she's moved to Mazama, this was the first time she offered something like this where I had NOTHING going on but boxes waiting to be unpacked.

I took a few days to think about it...

"Is this reeeeeeally what I want?  Do I want to be out in the middle of nowhere?  Wasn't Los Angeles the end game?  What happens if I commit to it and hate it and I'm stuck there for months?  Am I putting my life on hold?  Are you escaping your life? "  

After a see-saw of deliberation, I knew it was divine intervention.  It's the only opportunity I've had that truly excites me.  It's the only opportunity that causes me to grow in a big way. And even more importantly, it is EXACTLY the life I want for myself!!!  I manifested this!!!  What did I want my life to be?  Baking and acting (doing what I love) to give me the freedom to have travel and adventure...  This job then becomes a DREAM.

When I revisited this letter I wrote to myself from the future, I was amazed at all I got to do in two years.  As I have begun another 2 years, how exciting that so soon into it, I'm already adding some notches to my belt of adventure!  I've never been in the Northwest, I've never been to Seattle.  Aside from Montana & the Dakotas, it's the only area I haven't driven through.  I will get to work full-time as a baker in a busy environment which I LOVE.  I will get to learn breads professionally. I will get more experience with wedding cakes.  I will get to see one of the most beautiful places in the country- maybe learn how to ski.  I could even attempt more rock climbing if I'm feeling really fearless! I will also have a more health conscious lifestyle.  I will get to meditate next to babbling brooks.  I will get to create new recipes, work with new concepts and I will get to blog about all of my adventures. It's my 7 month ashram in India.  It's perfect.  It's exactly the life I dreamed.

Soooo... there you have it, you guys!  Hannah Honda & Big Toe we're moving to Washington!!!

I TRULY hope to see you all there...  :)  :)  :)

Adventure Is Out There,
MandiCrocker

Life As Mandi: The Boxed Set by JJ Abrams

If you ever had any doubt that JJ Abrams is God (don't worry, nerds-- I know where you stand), I'd like to point you in the direction of my life.  No one else could write this story.  No one, MYSELF of all people, could have imagined me back in Los Angeles. Yet, here I am at a little cafe in Pasadena happy as a clam to be back-- grateful even.

How does this happen?  Let's recap, shall we?

The Pilot:  Bright-eyed and bushy tailed, the naive small town girl from Upstate New York (played by Kristen Bell, of course- the similarities are uncanny) moves to Hollywood to make it big much to the chagrin of friends and family.  She auditions at a local theater & gets in. The last scene is her out to dinner with friends when she says, "Don't worry, guys-- I've got it" and pays using a credit card.  *cue smoke monster noise*

Season 1: She works herself into the ground taking classes and performing but has no life experience to really know who she is enough to be comfortable walking into an agent's office or to audition. She has lots of fantastic adventures & creates a loving world of friends around her.  She struggles with her spirituality and becoming her own person.  She isn't getting quality auditions and classes & headshots have drained her bank account. Last scene is her looking over her credit card statements as a roommate walks in eating a cookie, "You should do this professionally.  Like... fo realz."

Season 2: Time has gone by... The heroine is ROUGH around the edges. She begins working 2-3 jobs even to pay off her severe credit card debt.  Baking is her lifeline. She begins to burn out from lack of opportunity and loses her love of acting.  She views life as impossible and builds a great resentment toward people with money.  She hates LA- the smog, the people, the tackiness, the fake boobs. Last scene is her getting passed on at Groundlings. She cries herself to sleep. (Though the acting was Emmy Award winning, fans hated this season.  Nobody likes Mandi in a corner.  The finale, however, proved brutal and there wasn't a dry eye in the house watching cable that night).

Season 3: Mandi, having hit rockbottom in Season 2, begins to find life again. Desperate for something to change she signs up for a full-length marathon and begins to take classes from a spiritual life coach.  She struggles with whether or not she's an actor or a baker.  She settles on the idea that she's an artist and doesn't need to commit to either. Through the marathon, she meets her first love who is long-distance. (EW writes a whole story on "Good Girl Gone Bad?").  Last scene she packs up her car to move to Chicago.  

Season 4: Very quickly you find out the relationship isn't working.  She has no job, no money, no place to live and not many friends or family to nurse her through her first break-up.  Despite this heartbreak, her life has changed.  She's fearless, empowered and more aware because she has no choice. The more fearless she is, the more miracles she sees. She is given an opportunity at a tea shop to be a General Manager.  She goes for it and is incredibly successful there, rebuilding her life.  They talk about developing her as the Regional Manager in Los Angeles and while she has no desire to go back to LA, she says yes thinking it might allow her to move up faster in the company and make more money. The idea marinates and subconsciously she becomes fascinated with the idea of going back to LA a different person- salaried, living alone.  She gets sick of the tea shop as the culture there is an 80 hour work week.  She gets called in to interview at a brand name bakery and makes money she didn't ever think was possible. She gets her staff successfully through a holiday season and using marketing tactics from the tea shop, the bakery has it's most successful day the store has ever seen on Valentine's Day.  She pays the last payment on her $34k+ credit card consolidation-- huge win! Despite these successes, this isn't where she's supposed to be. She loves the people but she isn't happy.  After work drama, she re-evaluates what she wants in her life. She makes a list and discovers what she wants is the following: acting, baking, cooking videos with friends, to blog regularly, Tarrantino midnight showings with friends... This list is LA, LA, LA, LA, LA... Last scene is her with her list at the kitchen table saying, "What the F*CK!???"  Oh JJ... 

SEASON 5 EPISODE 1: Mandi is back in LA (Fans rejoice!  'Old Hollywood Glamour' Mandi is on the cover of EW, sunglasses, palm trees in the background as they write, "Guess Who's Back?")  She has $223 in her pocket, no job lined up but she has committed to it being easy and doing it differently.  In her first week a friend says she'll refer her to her agent, she books a catering gig and has a myriad of interviews set up by a hospitality recruiter.  She has no idea what's going to happen because the money is in General Manager positions that require 60 hour work weeks & 3 hours in the car in commuting. Her heart however is in acting and baking.  Commiting to doing LA differently and making it easy she trusts that what comes in is what's supposed to happen.  And while scary, she knows that scary means the opportunity to be fearless and fearlessness equals the stars aligning to make miracles happen....

Next On 'Life As Mandi'...

SHE STILL HAS NO #&$*ING IDEA WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!  AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  But amazing things are to come... the audience has NO IDEA.  Very exciting.  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)

So there you have it, folks... the boxed set.  I hope you've enjoyed the show thus far! I'm SURE JJ will keep it interesting (as long as he doesn't get caught up with that whole doing the next Star Wars thing).  ;)

Hollywood Stars and Aprons, b*tches!!!!  ;)

Mandi

34 Years of Life Lessons

This holiday season, I'm just feeling incredibly blessed.  I have amazing friends & family. I have a job where I get to be the boss of a whole host of people that I enjoy and life is full of crazy possibility. 

I was recently reminded how much my life has changed in the past ten years-- how much I have changed in the past ten years. I couldn't be more thankful for this truth or the various nutso life lessons I've had to experience to get me to grow.  Being so full of gratitude, I decided to put these lessons into words as a reminder to myself to never forget their impact.

1)  God Wants My Happiness

Being raised by two great parents as a non-denominational Christian, I was taught to always be kind to people.  I was absolutely a very sincere Christian that really wanted to be 'set apart' in a good way from the dark world to be a loving example to others.  However, what I heard in church (whether or not it was my own doing) was that I was never good enough.  I spent a majority of my early years in tears feeling guilty & unworthy and always striving for this mountain-top communion with God that I knew would never happen due to my sinful humanity. 

All I can say is that I don't believe in that unworthiness anymore- for myself or for anyone.  I believe God wants nothing more than my happiness. I believe that all He wants from me is to live my life in fearless, loving abandon.  At birth, I was created perfectly and I was blessed with various strengths and talents.  In my world,  all He wants, being a loving Creator, is to see me sparkle and shine-- using these gifts for good rather than evil.  Ultimate love-- for myself, for the world.  If God were on the love menu at Taco Bell, he would be the Supreme Burrito.  Other than that, I just don't care about denominations, opinions, politics, what my parents could say... It's this inspiring faith that is entirely mine and I'm stickin' to it. 

2) Love Always Wins

Especially after the shootings this year, it's so easy to be reminded of the pain & darkness in the world. It's hard to believe as a society-- as a human race, that we could ever get past our humanity enough to conspire as a people to do great things. But that 'realistic' thinking is just the mind and those thoughts need to change into love being possible.  When Voldemort (totally real) and other dark forces are at play, I believe that's when we need to up our love ante-- doing even more ridiculously good deeds, speaking even more kindly to each other, being kind to ourselves.  When we're at peace with ourselves, we're not expecting to be attacked.  So we walk around in love expecting great things and rather than be on the defensive, we've got the ability to be on a loving offense. When I hear these things happen, I double down (somebody is missing Vegas!) on my mental checklist of ways to make someone's day.  "Today I'll make a tea run for everyone at work.  I'm going to rub my pregnant Supervisor's belly and ask her questions about her baby girl until she's radiant, I'm going to be incredibly weird to make all of my baby chicks at work laugh." Suffocate the darkness with ooey gooey magical dancing marshmallows and baby kitten Christmas sweater love.  Pile that shit ON. 

3)  Love Vs. Fear

In the same vain, one of the smartest things I've ever read was from Marianne Williamson.  In her book 'A Return To Love' she basically says you're given two options every moment of the day:  to choose love or to choose fear.  Love= joy, hope, gratitude, etc.... Fear= anger, anxiety, bitterness, resentment, loneliness, etc.  Because if you think about it any negative response or emotion really goes back to being fear based-- Fear that you're not accepted, fear that someone will hurt you, fear that you're really not as good as anyone else, etc.  It's just a good quick check-in question when I find myself faltering:  "Is this love or fear, homegirl?" 

This great lady also has another idea that we were created with love: perfect, whole and complete.  Fear is what we learned here through our environment and experiences growing up.  Those fearful thoughts become habit which therefore becomes our reality because most of us don't know any better.  "Hey man, this is just the way I am. Can't change it."  With that in mind, our unworthiness, lack of love for ourselves is all a lie.  It's stuff people told us out of their own fear and it we let it stick.  If we truly love ourselves and go back to that baby fresh palette of awesomeness we don't hide in our heads but instead live lovingly.  And even more so, we have the awareness to recognize that fear in others & are able to sluff it off when they get prickly.  YOU'RE AWESOME.  AND SPECIAL.  AND FULL OF MAGICAL BABY GIGGLES.  I'm gonna tell you right now.  :)

4)  Do What Makes You Come Alive

One of my favorite all time quotes is by Howard Thurman.  "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."  So  many people waste those special gifts they've been created with because they're too busy being realistic.  Imagine if we all did what we were created to do... The world would be so inspired!?  Sounds impossible but...  "At the moment of commitment, the universe conspires to assist you."- Goethe.  If you take even the smallest steps putting energy into something, the universe plays you like a board game and you get to jump to the next level.  "Oh that's where you want to go?  Why didn't you say so?  Look at this ladder right here... Go get 'em, Tiger!"

5) Impossibility Is Not Possible

Also in the same vain... I've learned not to use the word impossible.  When you have a 'make it happen' mentality and live in possibility I've learned you become solutions oriented rather than hopeless.  You have to believe we can get to outer space to land on Mars- knowwhatImean,Vern?  I've done things I thought were walk-on-water impossible and it blew the doors of my version of reality.  A life of hopelessness is soooo sad and tiring-- I know firsthand.   A life of possibility, however, is exciting and surprising-- like winning a secret prize every day. (Fra-gee-lee-- Must be Italian!)  And when I find myself meandering toward life being impossible again? I audibly say, "Everything radically changes today!" with some cahones behind it.  Some power.  And then I do jumping jacks, high five myself and shake it out.  ;)

6) Fearlessness Is Essential

I believe God also blesses our fearlessness.  When we get out of our comfort zones, leave the house, meet the guy, go to the audition-- we strengthen our weaknesses and put energy into what we really want.  We go back to that person at birth we were created to be-- and I think God LOVES that like someone's dusted off the cobwebs of His COOLEST painting.  "There it is!!!  That's how it's supposed to be!!!"  And then God puts on his MC Hammer pants, lights the stage and makes the angels do the running man.

7) Faith & Belief Vs. Desperation & Avoidance

This is one of the toughest lessons I've learned that I'm still figuring out!  Sometimes it's really hard to understand or know when you've stepped out of faith and into avoidance.  "I trust the universe with this-- it's just gonna happen."  That mentality is awesome but if that belief even has a WHIFF of desperation to it, things don't line up.  Sometimes we think we're stepping out in faith when really we're just throwing up our hands like a Southern belle & declaring, "I'll deal with it tomarra'!" 

And THEN sometimes we step out in faith & change STILL takes so damn long!  I remember being out of job & feeling like I really trusted that everything would work itself out. It took FOREVER.  (Y'all remember?)  I think when things don't happen for us immediately we begin to feel a bit antsy, a bit  desperate.  That belief we had becomes slightly marred and rubs off on us... When we're out and about, people can see it.  (People see our entire lives on our bodies).  So rather than bring some really great stuff into your life, you're not getting the good stuff.  You're getting the slightly marred version.

And sometimes, it's just a blessing for things to not work out the way we want.  The universe looking out for us, stretching us into awesomeness a bit further even...  "Yeah, yeah, yeah... You believe.  We've done this one before.  How about if thiiiis goes into the mix?... Wow- you hate that.  Ha!!  Oooh, she's a biter. You'll thank me later. Dang-- You kiss your mother with that mouth!?" 

8)  The ultimate lesson:  I KNOW NOTHING.

And theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen, as soon as I think I know shit... Utterly, totally humbled.  Ha!  :) 


These lessons make me happy.  They've helped me, stretched me and grown me.  They've given me the courage to live life, to step into a faith I actually believe in and have inspired my hope in all things.  These were huge game changers for me in the first 34 years of my life.  I can only imagine what transpires at 68.  (Do you think God will still wear MC Hammer pants?  *sigh* Heaven's always 20 years behind).

I'd be interested to hear what lessons YOU'VE learned?  :)


Even MORE love than usual (it's on the checklist),  :)
MandiCrocker

Road to Houston Part I: Oxford, Mississippi

Another reason October 2012 was the greatest of all time?  Aside from it being my birthday, making the last payment on my 8 million dollar consolidation, getting to see two of my dearest, bestest, most awesomest friends in the whole wide world get married in Houston, I ALSO got to take a two week road trip in the process!!!  :)  :)  :)

 

When my friends told me they were getting married, I knew I wanted to make it a road trip.  Working 70 hours a week at the Tea Shop at the time, I was desperate for a vacation that was too legit to quit.  As the months approached, I was sticking to doing just that come hell or high water.  Thanks to some paid personal days at work I got to do the trip EXACTLY as I intended.  Pretty cool.  :)

 

Road-tripping was also a bit of a necessity as I was not only IN the wedding but also was doing the Groom's Cake.  So as you can see, I packed my ENTIRE kitchen.  Look how pretty Windy the Mixer is in this picture!!

 

 

 

Big Toe, my fearless co-pilot and protector (as always) was SUPER EXCITED to go on a road trip again. He had Google Maps printed out & ready to go!

 

Okay, so more awesomeness is that my friend Lisa reached out to me before my trip & said I should hit New Orleans on my way.  I haven't seen Lisa since my Ghirardelli interview in San Francisco when she drove all the way across the town with a NEWBORN BABY to say hi to me.  So I thought I owed it to her...  It has NOTHING to do with the fact that I love her or baby Raina dearly or anything.  ;) 

 

This got me thinking that HEY!  Where else should I stop!!???  Big Toe said, "Steak & Shake!!!"  This was ten minutes into the trip, mind you.  But I agreed.  He had a Banana Peanut Butter Milkshake and I had nothing because I've committed to watching my girlish figure.  OINK, OINK Big Toe!!!  We also thought we'd stop in Oxford but in all honesty, Big Toe's priorities were very clear. 



 

 

We headed back on the road.  These ginormous crosses must be all over the midwest because I definitely saw them when I made the trip to Chicago!  What are they about!?  He was only one man, right?  And how big WAS Jesus!? 

 



 

I stopped in Hernando, Mississippi at this super classy establishment.  Spared no expense!  I didn't want to stay in Memphis because I know it can be a bit sketchy and making it to Oxford seemed a bit too far for one day.

 

Oh, if you didn't know, this road trip was a 'culinary adventure.'  Meaning, I had every intention of eating my way through the South.  Big Toe is always on board when it comes to food.  He is one of those 'enabler' friends.  It's been 12,486 years since I've had BBQ so I stopped here right next to my fancy hotel. 

 

Ummm... I LOVE BBQ.  I never have it often because it can be expensive.  In LA, Outback Steakhouse was fine dining & a real treat.  On this trip, however, a million miles away financially from where I was in LA, I could do the trip I wanted.  :)  And as you head south, there's so much BBQ to choose from, it's pretty darn cheap.  This was delicious-- even sideways! 

 

 

Getting onto the highway I took a wrong turn.  This is NUTS.  

 

My dad used to work for a company called Ashland Chemicals.  He used to bring home a) LOADS of Ashland Chemical lotion (that seems odd now) and b) tons of mini Valvoline bags he would use as trash bags in the car.  I have a picture of me in second grade in this bike race (I'm not even sure for what- we just biked in circles) with a Valvoline bag on the front of my bike. 

 

I thought it was so FREAKING CRAZY NUTS that I managed to take a wrong turn & come across their distribution building--randomly.  I haven't heard of them in ages & wouldn't remember if it weren't for that picture of me on a bike as a kid.  It was really cool and felt significant. Made me think of my awesome Pops!

 

The next day Big Toe & I drove 20 minutes out of our way to see Oxford, Mississippi.  I've heard it's a picturesque quaint little town & figured I'd take the opportunity even on my own.  I fell in love!!!

 

Was this where they filmed Back to the Future!???  ;)

 

 



 

Ole Miss everything in their shops.  It's like they have a football team or something.

Ole Miss everything= Happy Everything!!! 

 

 

Oxford is a super cute little town-- I felt like I was on the set of Gilmore Girls!  (Omg, like- totes love Gilmore Girls!!!)

I see stuff like this in small towns & I always wonder if these recipes are legit.  MAYBE I'LL FIND OUT!!!  I'LL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS, OXFORD!!! (I mean, if my Mama likes it...)

 

 

Everywhere I go I pretty much do a google search to see if any of the town's restaurants have been on the Food Network.  (Nerdy Oinkster Alert!) I couldn't find anything in my quick search from the road but this was where the locals go after games.  PEYTON MANNING used to hang here... Was it Peyton Manning?  His brother?  Did he go to Ole Miss?  They play football, right?  ;)  It was one of those famous football guys-- An FFG for sure.

 

IT WAS CLOSED!!!  Closed on Sundays!!!!  Guess what else is closed on Sundays down South?  EVERYTHING.  I was very sad.  :(

 

 

 

This was the cutest leetle doagie!!!  The size of my hand, I think... 

 

 

I'M SURE this is where Rory Gilmore hangs out.  

Super cute little shop!  There she is!!!  ...Not really.  She's at the Bed & Breakfast with Lorelai planning the town's Pumpkin Carving Festival-- witty banter & pumpkin chaos will ensue!

Why do Federal Troops need to burn towns?  Seriously.  Ransack the village for delicious food & move on???  In a zombie apacolypse that is totally what I'm going to do. 

 

 

This town is always ready. 

 

 

In fact, EVERYWHERE in the town is ready!

 

So I have an embarrassing story. All over Oxford are the words 'Hotty Toddy.' I 8,000,000% always want to believe that this is a fall drink that is our Muggle version of Butterbeer. Determined to find out for sure, I walk down into this basement bar & there's two men-- a bartender & his friend hanging out.  I say, "Gentleman, I have a reeeeally stupid question."

 

Bearded dude at the bar says, "There's no stupid questions.  How can we help you?"  Genuinely nice people.  I wanted to marry the town.

 

I say, ".....What's 'Hotty Toddy' mean?"

 

And the bartender's friend dude TOTALLY starts laughing.  The very, very, very nice bartender smiles & says, 'It's part of the words to the Ole Miss fight song." 

 

THAT'S RIGHT. And it all comes flooding back to me-- previous conversations with the ex where at one point in my life I was given the answer... only to forget  LIKE A GINORMOUS GIRLISH IDIOT.  I mean, this is a FOOTBALL TOWN.  I couldn't have asked a DUMBER question in Oxford, Mississippi.  It was pretty awesome... 

 

I still reeeeeally want it to be butterbeer.  *sigh*

 

But I DO enjoy a good football game regardless... So Hotty Toddy Ole Miss!

 

 

Oh yeah... And Auburn SUCKS!!!  Yeah!!!!  Suck it!!! 

 

I didn't want my time in Oxford to end.  Because Ajax was closed & I didn't have time to go to a game, I decided to google a local bakery.  I found this one! 

 

BOTTLETREE BAKERY

 

And BAM-- cause this is the magic that happens to me.  Bottletree has been on the Food Network!!!  Hello little Strawberry Humble Pies!!!  :)  :)  :)

 

And hello, little Black Bottom Cupcakes!!!  :)  :)  :)

 

 

They've been around for a while, they're local... I LOVE this stuff.  

 

 

 

VERY busy little place on a Sunday morning so I took my pastries to go.  Sadly, they didn't have any Hotty Toddy so I got some coffee. 



 

 

I'm not sure why but it felt good.  It felt right that I was there.  How will my own bakery look one day?  Will it be busy?  Will I serve breakfast?  Will I be on the Food Network!?  WILL I SERVE HOTTY TODDY!!!???

 

 

This church right across the street TOTALLY reminded me of where I grew up.  My home town can be really picturesque as well.  Sadly, it doesn't have a giant university to support it economically.  :(

 

At that moment, I wanted my kindred spirit best friend of my youth-- Shanny Bananny-- to be there.  She would LOVE this little small town and this little church.  We would have raised a ruckus growing up in its walls!

Wandering around, I came across this little building.  I fell in love with this, too.  I soooo want MandiCakes to be in a unique building.  It's gotta be different or I'll just die!!!  ...It's a Law Office.  (Such a waste).

 

 

I'm glad little places like this exist.  I daydreamed about living in a small town like Oxford-- they already have a bakery. What would I do if I lived here?  Would I have been okay just being married & raising a family? If I'm being honest with myself, at this point in my life-- would I be bored out of my mind? Am I addicted to the pursuit of the pursuit of something?  And what is that something?  The perfect small town to settle in?  Opening a bakery?  Finding my place in the world?  Deep sh*t when you're road-tripping, I tell you what!  ;) 

 

 

Another unique looking building that also reminded me of my home town.

Driving around randomly, I also came across one of the the Ole Miss Champion Trees. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT A CHAMPION TREE IS AND I DID NOT ASK.  There are three.  I assume after every championship they plant one?  It could also be a tree that is tapped for butterbeer in the production of Hotty Toddy.

 

The Strawberry Humble Pie was VERY buttery & delicious!  Worth the Food Network notice.  :)

 

 

Then I headed to Rowan Oak... But I'll save that for another day.  :)

 

Thank you, Oxford Mississippi!!!  You are as beautiful and kind as they say. 

 

A Hotty Toddy herself (Yeah, I just did!!!),

MandiCrandy

 

(I'm pretty sure it's a cranberry cordial you drink in the summer).

 



DEBT FREE: THE BLOG TO END ALL BLOGS

In December of 2007, my entire world fell apart.  All of the balls I'd been juggling financially came crashing to the floor in frantic & fearful thud when I totalled my Corolla.  A car payment was the one bill I didn't have.  I was already working 60 hours a week between two jobs to make ends meet for my credit card debt.  How on earth was I going to do this? 

I was absolutely hopeless and lost.  I was also embarrassed and humiliated.  If my parents even knew the amount of debt I had gotten into...  It made me feel worthless, unwanted, undeserving, helpless, terrified, angry, fatigued, ASHAMED and GUILTY.  And I felt those things every day of my life for years.

How does this happen!?????  It's a great question. And the answer for me is: NAIVE STUPIDITY and then indifference.

I initially moved to L.A. in 2003 to pursue acting.  Before I left, I read somewhere in the dumbest book of all time that a real actor only acts.  If you tell an agent or a casting director you have a job they won't take you seriously.  You're job is auditioning.  Your occupation is that you are an actor. So I moved to LA with very little money but knew in my guts I was so special that my talent was going to get me noticed immediately.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA....*sigh*  Oh, LA...

I worked very part time at a diner my sister worked at for minimum wage   I got a credit card for a trip home for Christmas ($400+).  I wanted to pay it off slowly to build my credit.  When agents didn't show up to my first improv show and discover me (How is that possible!!???  Wait, only my sister is in the audience!???), I used my emergency credit card for my headshots ($400+).  For Groundlings classes ($500+ for a 6 week class x 6 classes).  For duplications of headshots ($400+).  For postage to send out headshots on a weekly basis ($50).  For membership dues to take classes at the theater nobody comes to watch me at ($125/month).  Sketch writing classes with an 800 year old SNL writer ($500)... Costumes ($70), wigs ($100+)... I bought a mattress ($100+), etc, etc, etc...

What I WILL say, is that when I pursue something, I PURSUE it.  I was in classes or performing six nights a week doing whatever I was told, whatever I read you should do.  I was diligent about sending out headshots, going through Backstage West and constantly submitting.  I just kept thinking, "It would just take one national commercial & I pay off my classes."  I looked at it as an investment and was adamant I was going to get there. 

Soon I began thinking work might be a good idea so I began to work part-time as a server.  Because I was a new server, I got the worst and fewest shifts.  I increased the limit on my card.  My sister asked to put her car repairs on my card which almost maxed it out.  So I got another one-- strictly for 'emergencies.'  My sis paid me small increments until her repairs were paid off.  I used those small payments to live.  I bought groceries or used it to buy the latest acting monologue book.  I was also the girl who had the bestest broke friends in the world. "Don't worry, guys-- this is my treat!" At this time, I was about $4,000 in debt and I was in the process of accruing some moving expenses.

It was around this time that I remember watching a Dr. Phil show about couples in debt.  I was dumbfounded and disgusted with these people in debt 50k with huge screen tvs and walk-in closets. I yelled at the screen, "Well stop buying stuff, idiots!!!"  I judged them.  I could make my payments; I had excellent credit.  I was fine. 

The thing is, with my debt, I had absolutely NOTHING to show for it.  Not even a line in a tampon commercial!  I didn't get called in to audition because I didn't have an agent to get me an audition.  I couldn't get an agent because I wasn't a working actor.  It's a catch-22 in good old Hollywood and some of the most talented people I've ever met in my life don't even get a glance because they're not in the right place at the right time.  Someone quit at the diner so I was officially full-time now and began working Fri/Sat nights til 4am. 

I began to burn out.  I was taking classes every night, performing twice a week and working full-time.  I got tired of the smell of ketchup & landed a job at a title company where my sister was temping.  It was decent money but once summer was over, everyone was laid off.  I picked up shifts where I could at the diner but they were staffed up.  I kept taking classes at Groundlings and racking up debt thinking this was an investment.  If I'm not working, at least I'm working.  I had to keep going.  I couldn't quit now.  God would look out for me.  Everyone said I had 'it.'  I just needed to be discovered. I increased the limit on my second card.

The diner didn't need me so I began working at a hipster cafe in Los Feliz. It paid 36 cents an hour but it was so cool, man!  All the celebrities?  Working full-time in no way covered my bills so of course spending money went on my cards.  I was taking the Sketch Writing Lab at Groundlings.  I moved again.

I quit at the cafe because the man who runs it is a horrible human being.  He made people cry on  a regular basis.  The final straw was when asked me to engage customers more-- "Because, you know, otherwise I'd just have vending machines."  A real charmer.  Needless to say, I didn't feel 'honored' to be at such a trendy place like everyone else did.  Besides have you MET me!?  I'm not ironic.  I'm just WEIRD.  I wore a 'Free Willy' t-shirt on a regular basis in highschool.  (What? I liked movies.).   It was just a job and by that point, I'd had PLENTY.  I knew I'd find something else.

Like the title company!  After another brief bout of joblessness, they rehired me. (A total of three times by the way).

My best friend came out to visit and I had no money.  I wanted to take her to Solvang to wine country.  She's had a rough life and I wanted to treat her to something kind.  What a good friend!!!  So I came up with a gameplan... I would take out an $11,000 line of credit, consolidate both of my cards onto that one creditor, have a little spending money and then after this completely crack down on my spending and get rid of my cards.  Who's wincing!!???  *raises hand*

Guess who spent too much?  I transferred the amount & kept using the cards.  I got laid off at the title company again and decided they reeeeeally needed to call this employment seasonal!  I began taking a writing class at Acme.  I got new headshots.  We are doing this!!!  I JUST NEED ONE DAMN COMMERCIAL!!!  I began working at a medical billing company part-time.  It wasn't enough.  I began working at a bakery as a counter staff.  I got NEW headshots ($800+). Then...

Wait, what???  WHAT????????

...In the blink of an eye, my acting life came to a screeching halt.  A humiliating screeching halt. 

I got passed on at Groundlings.  WHAT!??????  WHAT, WHAT, WHAT!????  They didn't want me.  I'd been in these classes for four years.  I had waited an entire year just to get into this class.  We did the final show, the members voted and they didn't want me.  I was DEVASTATED.  Everyone said I was a stand-out in class.  But class doesn't count.  Did I think too highly of myself that the comedy gods snubbed me?  Did I play my cards wrong?  Did I not play them at all?  Am I not really special?  Am I not as talented as they say?  But complete strangers have come up to you & said amazing things.  Kathy Najimy came to an I.O. show once and mentioned you to a friend: "I didn't find any of these girls funny except for your friend.  And I look for that."  Tsai Chin from 'Joy Luck Club'-- said I was so good she knew I was an actor.  HOW COULD THIS DESTINY BE SOOOO UTTERLY WRONG!!???  HELLO!!?? TSAI CHIN!!!???  ;)

But it was gut wrenching.  Groundlings was my back-up plan!!!!  If I wasn't discovered at a huge audition somewhere (I never got real auditions, mind you), SURELY I'd be discovered at Groundlings.  It was a shot in a million but I was special, right?  The final class and then Sunday company and then discovery and then SNL and then millions and then and then and then--  'Dear Mom & Dad, I'll send money.  I'm so rich that it ain't funny" song!!!!  That's how it's supposed to go!!!  The talented girl who has every right to make this her living is supposed to win!!!???

What do you mean I didn't make it?????

Suddenly, I wasn't just wildly in debt but devastatingly sad and empty.  What on earth was I doing with my life?  What did I have to show for any of it?  How long could my parents keep sending me money?  Who was this person?  THERE WAS NO HERPES COMMERCIAL. I'M NOT EVEN JOEY TRIBBIANI!!!!???
 
At a certain point, I just became numb and this is when the indifference set in.  I hated my life and prayed everyday for God to get me through it.  I was extremely unhappy.  I was now the AGM at the bakery with an hourly rate and I began to hate people.  I was OVER customer service.  None of my friends saw me as a depress case or anything but when you work 60+ hours a week between two jobs that don't pay you enough to survive, you shut down.  I might as well have been a zombie-- all I did was work.  I couldn't believe the girl who was Vice President of her class, captain of her hockey team, loved by friends & family, blah, blah, blah--- THAT girl did THIS.

Totaling Corolla was the final straw.  I had to have my mom co-sign on the loan for my beloved Hannah Honda. It was a humiliating 3-day process and an absolute miracle they let me take it off the lot...  I had no choice but to consolidate all of my credit card debt into a monthly program with CareOne Credit.  For the next five years of my life, I would make rent-worthy sized payments every month to this company and it felt like dying over and over and over again.

I knew something had to change and it had to be big.  I signed up for a full marathon in Alaska and raising money for Team In Training is how I met my ex (which was a big deal for me).  I began taking classes with Candace Silvers.  I remember her asking me, "Aren't you tired of being tired?"  I was desperate to do anything to change my life so I listened heartily to what she said.  I began taking little steps forward by changing my thought processes.

"Wait, I could make more money?"
"Wait, I don't have to work myself out debt before I have a life?"
"Wait, I could start my own business by using investors?"
"Wait.. I'm whole & complete now?"

Suddenly, there was possibility. 

That possibility gave me the energy to bring new things into my life-- a salaried position at UCLA, the courage to move across country for love and adventure, the willingness to shed the prescribed faith of my past and create my own belief system.  I was LIVING for the first time in my life.

And then break-ups and life blogs and being refined by fire... Making the constant choice to never stay comfortable for too long. Things like 'A Letter From the Future' are written... and you're changed.  Four years have passed & you think, "I only have ONE MORE YEAR on my program!!??? When did THAT happen!!???   You realize you're a probably a  better manager for the lessons learned in making stupid decisions in your youth and you realize you're going to be one hell of a business owner because you got all of your huge mistakes out early.  I was actually grateful  I fell in love with the world again. I was beginning to think I was pretty lovely as well!

And then... On October 4th, 2012... I made the final payment to my debt consolidation program.
I knew it was a college education's worth of debt but when I got my congratulatory letter this week, I lost my breath.  It was waaaaaay higher than I remembered by about 8k!!!!

So pleeeeease judge away...  Judge, judge, judge, judge, judge... (Around year four I stopped judging and decided to forgive myself so it might take a while for you...)

But then join me in CELEBRATING  the FREEDOM that is NO LONGER..

 

   $34,733

WORTH OF CREDIT CARD DEBT. 



 

FUUUUUUUUCK.


YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH.

BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCHES.

 

SORRY MOM!!!   :)

 

 

And the song that popped into my head immediately after my last payment? 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIduOvEoVeQ

 

 

 

There are no words.  ;)

 

 

Newly Improved,

MandiCrocker



November 1, 2012- A Letter From The Future Revisited

On Nov. 1, 2010 I wasn't doing too well.  I had moved to Chicago away from all of my family and friends in L.A., only to go through a crushing break-up.  It was terrifying. I had nothing- no job, no money, no one to nurse me through my first heartache.  I knew I had moved to Chicago for some reason or purpose but didn't quite understand why.  It was a very confusing time.

On the phone one night, my beloved BF told me this story she read about some indie rock band chick (or something? I don't remember) who wrote a letter to herself from the future.  I thought this might be a really terrific exercise as I was knee deep in Eat, Pray, Love highlighting and 'Me Parties.' 

I wrote a letter from my all-knowing self on Nov. 1, 2012 to my broken self living in Nov. 1, 2010.  (VERY Terminator 2, by the way- *swoon, swoon*).  I haven't read this letter for two years but I needed to know and believe that everything would be okay.

Well today is November 1st, 2012.  And I don't mean to sound like a nerfherder but to reread this letter was pretty powerful for me.

Here's the letter...

http://mandicrocker.blogspot.com/2010/11/letter-from-future.html


For starters, I could absolutely word for word write that letter right now.  I am moved, awed, shocked at how everything has come to fruition and what hasn't 'happened' (acting, singing, etc.), has been budgeted out for January. 

Specific things that come to mind? 

1)  Money--  "You stand on your own two feet financially"...  If ever I were to use the word impossible, it would be to describe the idea of being financially stable. HOWEVER, on my birthday, I made the last payment on my debt consolidation program that I have been paying off for five years.  I also work at a brand name bakery that pays me very well to run all of it's operations.  This stability is DUMBFOUNDING.  Five years ago I would have thought that was impossible.  I was so hopeless and tired, I began to resent anyone that actually got to live their life.  I'm not that way anymore.  Everyone has that opportunity to create the life they want.  Paying off that debt was game changing let alone making decent money for the first time EVER?  IT'S NUTS.  It makes me speechless and  I am BLESSED to have learned those lessons.  By the way?  The Debt Consolidation Blog is next.  And you're going to crap your pants.

2)  Friends-- "People who come into your life to help"--  People that come to mind? Oh gosh... Boatloads.  Dr. Beth and her husband, who have been ridiculously good to me.  Dr. Beth has been a kindred spirit but they've also helped supply basic needs-- a bed frame, a dresser, clothes... Absolute angels.  And an introduction to Weber's Bakery?  Come on now.  ;)

My amazing Rooms-- who let me live with her rent free for three months until I found a job.  Then once I found a job, it paid crap, so she was selfless (even in her OWN unemployment-- seriously) to be patient enough to wait almost a FULL YEAR for me to pay her back.  Noics is one of the most selfless people I've ever met.  She will give anyone the shirt off of her back.  I like to help people how I like to help them and when I feel like it. The Rooms just gives & gives & gives.

My ex's mom-- She took me on an all expense paid trip to Hawaii.  ALL EXPENSE PAID TRIP.  Being jobless at the time, I didn't even end up having spending money so she ended up paying for everything AND I got her sick on the way home with a horrible cold.  She has been nothing but undyingly kind & generous to me.  I couldn't be more grateful.

Chef-- Oh my GOD... Chef.  I love you, Chef.  Chef watched all of this happen, didn't judge me, didn't call me crazy or tell me what to do... He just kind of let me go through shit & figure it out but made sure I was well fed.  My dear friend with a heart of gold I love to pieces has been a constant in Chicago and I'm blessed to know him.  YOU'RE THE SHIT, CHEF!!!  I'M NOT EVEN WRITING SHIT LIKE THIS CHEF-- SH*T-- IT'S THE REAL SHIT!!!  IT'S SHIT, SHIT!!!  When you're Chef, you're family.  ;)

Jennifer Love Heater, Awesome Sue, Matt Watts--- financial contributors... either during bouts of joblessness or people that believed in me enough to help me with my business.... My mom, my dad... the writers... the fearless cast & crew...

BF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I can't write about BF because there's just waaaay too much magic in our friendship.  Our mantra?  "Everything radically changes today" and I can't tell you the countless times the craziest stuff has come into my life because of the belief I had in this saying.  Bf and I also laugh ourselves silly like 8 year old girls.  We always gross ourselves out with these nasty characters & voices & facial expressions-- like the Garbage Pail Kids of sketch comedy characters.  My mom would just die.  Last night BF was imitating her puking cat--? (tame by the way) ... But we laaaaaaaaaaaaugh & laaaaaaaaaaaugh...

And Christine, the Boogs, Jor Jor... all the folks at the Tea Shop-- especially my boss at the time... Friends I barely get to see these days... But I'm just dumbfounded at these people who have gone above & beyond and have taught me so much.  I love you all dearly!!!  Or the Ipod who sent me the BEST GIFTS EVER like THIS and THIS.  I'm thinking maybe I got that part wrong... 'People' coming into my life really should have been the word 'angels.'  Then I would have gotten it right!

3)  "Doors that are open a smidge that become the whole world"... THE TEA SHOP.  Who knew a Tea Shop would give me a powerhouse confidence?  Flipping two stores & learning how to 'make it happen.'  There was no excuses at the tea shop-- you ran your store as an owner & to get results you sacrificed your own life in many ways. I'm eternally grateful for that experience & future self was spot on about that.  Because that opportunity was fueled by an inner drive just dying for a chance, and that chance became ridiculously hard work which became black & white results which became this fierce confidence.  And that confidence and experience is ABSOLUTELY how I got the bakery position.  "You are your own person, healthy & confident."  I CAN PROBABLY WALK ON WATER.  If not, I'll make it happen.  I know a guy.  ;)

4) "Beautiful and fearless parts you didn't even know existed anymore-- or existed at all for that matter!"  At what point did I become an adventurer!??? I AM fearless and if it doesn't scare me these days I get bored reeeeeal quick.  There's too much magic & electricity in stepping out in faith.  Miracles (such as reading a letter you've written yourself from the future) are moments way too cool to pass up!

5) "IT'S EASY!"  The best part... I have no idea HOW I got to where I am, I only know that I did.  And when I look at the life I created for myself, it WAS easy.  Stepping out of your comfort zone is sooo hard but once you get used to it, things just happen in the EASIEST ways. 

In the past two years, I:

Went to Hawaii
Increased the growth of a business by 17%
Traveled to Milwaukee
Got very real experience as a leader & mentor
Traveled to New Orleans, Oxford (Ol' Miss), Houston
I was introduced to the delicious, dreamy world of craft beer
Watched two of my best friends get married in the most incredible ceremony of all time
Paid off my debt consolidation
I learned that I was a defining factor in someone's existence & altered their life path
Chef and I made pizza on the grill (the grill!!??) & Julia's Boeuf Bourginon!
Watched Bridesmaids 2,494,310 times.
I've learned how to play poker & craps
Became a major tea drinker (I HATED tea)
I have eaten so much good food from places I've seen on the Food Network it's disgusting!
I have come up with some crazy good recipes I didn't even know I had in me-- Salted Caramel Creme Brulee Cupcakes?  HOLY BALLS.

And that's just stuff I can remember in a minute... I'm just SOOOO utterly grateful and blessed and excited for what's to come.  I can only imagine what the next two years will bring... Truly.  And this letter to yourself?  Give it a whirl... You'll be amazed how cool you are!!!  ;)

PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARIS??????????????????????  :)  :)  :)  :)

"Here's to the future cause we got through the past,"  ;)
MandiCrocker

New Life

"If you do not change direction, you'll end up where you are going." -Lao Tzu


In such a short amount of time, so much has changed!

For various and plentiful reasons, I gave notice at the tea shop and am now the new General Manager of the Chicago branch of a growing and famous brand name bakery. It was an incredibly hard decision to leave so many people that I love but once removed from the job itself, it's been 'interesting' shall we say how easy it's been to walk away. The weight of the world is off of my shoulders and I now work for a company that pays me very well, works me considerably less and believes in a very real work/life balance.  For the first time in my life, I feel like a grown-up.  Not to mention, I know in my guts I'm going to be game-changer for them here in Chicago.

On that note... It's been a very hard road financially for me and while October was already looking like paradise due to my consolidation being over, this changes everything.  For the first time in years, I will be able to save, live comfortably, take classes, eat out-- basically have a 'social life' without having to rob Peter to pay Paul's brother's roommate whose parents are well-to-do and will send me a check if I send them brownies.  And to be able to afford necessities?  I can shop for things like socks or pants for work without worrying a bill isn't going to get paid-- or legitimately send birthday or Christmas gifts?  I haven't done that in YEARS. 

Granted, I am NOT talking about living it up & turning my life into a rap video-- You don't work yourself out of zillions of debt to make the same mistakes over again.  But it will just be DIFFERENT... like nothing I've experienced before in my life due to some really stupid early 20's mistakes.

Did I mention I also love my job and that they're excited to have me there?  My first day all of my new chicks were like, "You're the new General Manager!!!???"  with the excitement of, "Are YOU are new mommy!!!???"  CRAZY.  I'm like Gru in Despicable Me except I have 40 'leetle kittens.'  :) 

I just can't believe how much my life is about to change.  It's DELICIOUS.  :)

You know what else is delicious????  This Brown Sugar Blueberry Galette from Floriole Bakery.  No, it's not the bakery I work at but one I definitely enjoy frequenting.  They do it right, man!

Or this Chocolate Cream Almond Croissant.  (Good GOD).

The dough is so flaky and delicious.  I've never had a croissant from France but I imagine if I did, it would have this crispy, flaky outside and butter chewy texture.

And then for dinner tonight I went to Trader Joe's and bought some Wild Mushroom Brie Cheese.  Folks, you gotta cover it in grilled onions & bake that sh*t.  I swear to God... it could only be more delicious if it were on a burger!!!

What are YOU eating?  :)

Brie & Deliciousness,

MandiCrocker